At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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