the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
