I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
