His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
