oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Randomize
