I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
