i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
