i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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