I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
