Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
