Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize