I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
