We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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