Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
