Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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