i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
