And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
