Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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