I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
