my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
