I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
