i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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