I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
