he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
