just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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