Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
