Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
