I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
