Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
