I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize