I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
