It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
