A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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