Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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