My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
meet me or not, i'm out of control
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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