Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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