I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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