I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize