Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
