i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
