im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
