apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
