Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
