I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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