The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
