there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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