the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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