My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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