I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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