Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
