Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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