What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
