my phone needs a breathalizer
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
