I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
