i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
