apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
