I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
