There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
