this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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