Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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