i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
