my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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