Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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