Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
